A Scene From
"More To Love"

Okay, so Peter Marks of The New York Times said 'Avert your eyes'. And the pantload from New York Magazine, John Simon, 'Simonized' it by writing: 'Fat men (rather like thin men) come in two varieties: charming and charmless. On the evidence of More to Love, Rob Bartlett, author and star, falls into the second category. Best known for the radio program Imus in the Morning, he qualifies on Broadway for A Mess in the Evening.' But the poet said "Opinions are like assholes. Everyone's got one. "In my experience, I've found that sometimes, they are one. Judge for yourself. This is a scene from the show 'More To Love, A Big Fat Comedy'. It opened on Thursday, October 15th 1998, and closed on Saturday , October 17th 1998, after four performances and 16 previews. It wasn't 'Clytemnestra'. It wasn't 'Death of a Salesman'. It wasn't even the musical version of 'The Miracle Worker'. What it was was a funny, sweet, and uplifting little piece that somehow, wasn't deemed fit for Broadway. Had I known that, I would have dressed up like a giant freakin' cat, or had a helicopter land onstage.

Audiences truly loved it. I wish you could have seen it. I wish you had the chance. Not a personal appearance goes by when somebody who saw it will come up to me and say 'What happened? We thought it was great!' I don't know. Maybe because it wasn't 'British enough'. All I know is for 90 minutes, people were entertained...and damned well.

Dana Reeve played Alice, my wife. Joyce Van Patten played Maxine, my agent. Jack O'Brien directed. I couldn't have asked for more wonderful, perfect people. I was proud of every aspect of that show, and remain so to this day. Even knowing the outcome, I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

Someday, when I'm dead and gone and they're holding 'Bartlett Fests' in hotel ballrooms somewhere, celebrating the genius that was 'The Robio', some brave, talented group of young fans will re stage it much to the joy of all those who will respond to the genuine, garden variety, belly laughs, and non-pretentious emotion of the piece.

Hope you enjoy it. If you do, write a letter to John Simon and Peter Marks and tell them they were assholes.If not, write to me and tell me I am.You won't be the first to do so.

Rob Bartlett
October, 1999

The phone rings and the dog barks offstage.

ROB
Is that the phone?

ALICE (O.S.)
Yes.

ROB
Is it for me?

ALICE (O.S.)
Yes.

ROB
Is it my agent?

ALICE
It is!!

ROB
I’m coming in!!

ALICE
You’re not!!! No business on Saturday.I ‘ll tell her you’ll call her back.

ROB
I need to speak to her.

ALICE
Sorry--three full boxes per call.

ROB
I need to talk to her. I have to find out if that guy form HBO was there last night.

ALICE
Well, I’m locking the door. You can’t come in to use the phone. Now what?

ROB
I will talk to my agent!!!!.

He looks at the audience and looks at the remote.
Clicks the remote at the large box on the footlocker. MAXINE, ROB’S AGENT, pops out of the box, dressed impeccably with a telephone pressed to her ear.

MAXINE
Hello?

ROB
Hi Max.

MAXINE
Gee--this is what I call a good connection--not only can I hear perfectly but I can see everything!!!!

ROB
What about last night?

MAXINE
What about last night?

ROB
Was it bad?

MAXINE
It was a disaster!!! Listen to this. I’m on a blind date. Client’s brother in law. Looks like an older, heavier Erik Estrada...but without the hair.

ROB
What about HBO?

MAXINE
The whole time during dinner, he’s looking at my mouth. I think he wants to kiss me. Never makes a move. Then, I think I must have spinach caught in my teeth.

ROB
Max?

MAXINE
I run to the ladies room... Nothing. Finally, over dessert, I find out, he’s a dentist. I thought we hit it off. He said I had the bicuspids of a 21 year old. He practically flossed me at the table. Then, he takes me home--never makes a move.

ROB
Was the exec from HBO there last night?

MAXINE
How should I know? It’s Saturday. Why?

ROB
It’s a big deal. It’s a very big deal. I could’ve blown it last night. I completely forgot my act.

MAXINE
You should’ve asked one of the other comics. None of them seem to have a problem remembering it. (She laughs) Don’t worry about HBO. We’ve got other irons in the fire...In fact, I wanted to tell you, I got a very interesting call from...

SFX: Her phone rings.

MAXINE (cont’d)
That’ll be the coast. I have to take this.
She drops down into the box. Rob attempts to keep her from pulling away.

ROB
Max, don’t put me on...

She’s gone. He closes the box.

ROB (cont’d)
Agents. There’s this old show business joke that goes, "Comic comes home from a road trip and his front door is off th hinges, the house is a wreck, sofa is overturned, broken glass everywhere, he goes into the kitchen his wife is crumpled on the floor, beaten within an inch of her life...he says "Honey! What happend? Who did this?" With her last breath, she mumbles... ‘Your agent.’ The comic takes a second and says.. ‘My agent came to my house?’

ROB picks up the box she's just appeared out of, and takes it crosstage to put it on another pile of boxes as he speaks.

ROB
Okay, I'm a little anxious, I'll admit. It's just that this HBO thing...I didn’t think it was ever gonna happen.I mean I’ve come awful close a number of times before, but after awhile, it's a little hard to get on the "Young Comedians" special when you're no longer a 'Young Comedian'.

He picks up the box and brings it downstage.

ROB (cont’d)
And, now, for all this to come down right around the time I’m facing ‘The F word’...forty. Well, in comedy, timing is everything.

I can’t get past this feeling that everyone else is doing better than me...Just last week, two comics who used to open for me...one got a network development deal for a new series, and the other got a part in a movie with Jack Nicholson. I'm starting to feel like Pete Best...you don't know who Pete Best is, do you? See? That's what worries me.

MAXINE pops out of box in the new location.She looks around.

MAXINE
Where was I?

ROB
Sorry, I dropped you.

MAXINE
First the dentist last night and now you. I’m starting to notice a pattern here.

ROB
Don’t sweat the dentist. Maybe he was shy. Y'know the rejection thing...it's not an easy thing for a guy.

MAXINE
I'm too desperate. They smell it a mile away.

ROB
You're not desperate.

MAXINE
Oh No? I haven't been laid since the Carter Administration.

ROB
That's a little more information than I was looking for here. Please find out about HBO.

MAXINE
Will you relax about HBO? I just told you, a call just came in from...

SFX: Phone rings again.

MAXINE
That'll be London. They’re doing a revival of Peter Pan with Roseanne.

ROB
I’d pay money to see that.

MAXINE
That’s what I said. I’ll call you back.

She drops down into the box to answer the phone, pulling the top over her again. She is gone. ROB sits on the box and addresses the audience.

ROB
Peter Pan with Roseanne, what kind of wire do you think they’ll need for that? I think they’d be much better off having her play the title role in ‘Oklahoma’. Y’know when you’re a kid, pretending...putting on little make believe shows? You think nothing could be better than doing this for a living...but it’s like anything else--when it becomes a job, it loses a little something.

He pulls a box downstage and opens it, pulling something out of it ridiculous enough to provide a huge laugh and justify him taking it over to the garbage can where he discovers the tennis racquet that ALICE threw out. He does a take, not knowing how it got there. He shrugs, and returns it to his 'Keep'box.

ROB
This is the Keep box--it’s for the things that we’re KEEPING!

He moves towards the workbench.

ROB (cont’d)
I used to spend hours in my garage, pretending I was somebody else
Four people, actually: John, Paul, George, and Ringo. I saw the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show, and thought they were the coolest thing I’d ever seen in my life. So on rainy days, I’d stick the only Beatle record I owned on my ‘Close N’ Play’ record player, and act out all four of the Beatles.Nothing has ever been more purely satisfying as that. My father caught me doing it once. I'm sure it was a huge disappointment to him that I wasn't all that athletic. He was a minor league baseball player when he was younger. Never made it to the 'Show'. I don't know why, cos' I saw him play softball a few times when I was a kid? He was awesome. I couldn't wait to play. The day I was old enough, he signed me up for Little League. I lasted exactly one game.

ROB'S FATHER
NO NO NO! What are you waitin' for? Swing at it! Don't duck! Swing! If you're gonna strike out again, at least go down swingin'! We call it baseball because in order to get on base you have to hit the ball. Choke up on the bat...choke up... UP! Jeezis! There's two outs, swing at any...YES! Go! Go!! Run! It's fair! Run it out! Run it out...alright, alright...c'mon back. Hey! C'mon back! Where you goin'? The other team's waitin' to bat already!

ROB
Not exactly a 'Wide World O' Sports' moment. That night in an attempt to break the deafening silence at the dinner table. I did a dead on impression of one of my coaches...

ROB'S COACH
Hussew...thath all I reqwire...tho longth, you boyth give me Pete Wose type hussew...we'll have a exthewent theathon.

ROB
Pop laughed so hard, he almost shot milk out his nose. Eureka. It got to be a regular thing...I’d do five minutes every night at the dinner table...wacky dialects, funny accents, I used to do this bit... ‘Game shows from other nations’. This week--the Middle East. ‘The Baghdad Squares! I will take Abu Amacha to block...I am disagreeing!’ Family Feud, where two warring factions would play against each other. ‘Name something you bring to a picnic... ding! A gun!’ ‘Show me gun!’

The lights change abruptly, and we are now on the set of ‘Wheel of Jordan’.

ROB(AS GAME SHOW HOST)
Welcome to the Wheel! Of! Jordan! Our first puzzle tonight...ninety seven letters...it is a person’s first name.

Achmed Machalamachalacha...junior...you are coming to us from the small village of ‘Chuch’ where you are a pipe bomb maker by trade...and where in your spare time you are breeding escort sheep...it says here you are presently a Sophomore at the University of ‘Achcuhch’, where you are studying animal husbandry, and it says here that in addition to one day bringing about the ultimate downfall of the great satan, you have aspirations of becoming an Olympic skater. Good for you! You are to be player number one, please to be spinning the wheel! .

ROB (AS ACHMED)
Come on thousand...come on thousand...big money...big on the money...

ROB (AS GAME SHOW HOST)
250 Dinar.

ACHMED
Is there a...’k’?

GAME SHOW HOST

There are 66 K’s!
He turns and faces upstage, and does the 'BONG'...'BONG'....'BONG' sound of the letters being lit, following them with his head.

ACHMED
I would like to solve puzzle...

He utters a guttural growl that sounds more like he's clearing his throat than an actual word.

GAME SHOW HOST
I’m sorry but that is incorrect.You must give your answer in the form of a question.

ACHMED
I would like to buy a vowel.

He ululates like a Kurd.

GAME SHOW HOST
I’m sorry but...there are no vowels.

ROB
I’d do impressions of the neighbors, relatives, find their most obvious flaws and seize on them. The edgier I got, the more he loved it. That is until one night when I did my impression of him. I thought imitation was supposed to be the sincerest form of flattery? I guess it’s true what the wise man says, everybody thinks it’s funny until it’s about them. Remember how pissed off we got when we got wind that the Japanese were doing jokes about the Stupid and Lazy Americans?

ROB clicks his remote stage left, and another lighting special comes up. We now hear Japanese Samisen music playing under as he takes his position and becomes BUDDY MIYAGI, a gravely serious and orderly Japanese Stand Up comedian.

SFX: SAMISEN MUSIC UP "BUDDY’S THEME"

BUDDY
Thank you! Domo arigato...hey I just flew in from America, and boy are their arms tired from patting themselves on the back!

SFX: RIMSHOT

BUDDY
How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Six hundred! Because they are so lazy and inferior! Hai!

BUDDY
Two Americans walk into bar. And they stay there! Get drunk! Do not go back to work! HAI!

SFX:RIMSHOT

BUDDY
Japanese man, Swedish man and American die and go to heaven...Saint Peter meet them at the Pearly Gate. Saint Peter say... ‘So sorry. Heaven very crowded. In order for you to come inside...you first must pass a test’ American say forget it! Too much work! I go to hell! Hai!

SFX:RIMSHOT

BUDDY
Knock knock.

VOICE FROM AUDIENCE
Who’s there?

BUDDY
You would know if you were not too lazy to answer the door!

LIGHTS CHANGE BACK TO GARAGE SETTING.
Rob becomes himself again.

ROB
My epiphany came in the form of a Pat Cooper routine. ‘The Italian Wedding’ bit. It was my father's favorite comedy record. I learned it word for word. He tried to have me do it once for company.

ROB’S FATHER
Ay! You gotta check this out. Robby! Do the Pat Cooper thing! He can’t catch a football to save his life, but I swear to God, he does this better than the original. C’mon, do it. No...that’s not right. Do it like you did it the other day. No, that’s not how it goes. Hey. I heard the record a hundred times I know how it goes...do it the right way. Jesus, can’t you do anything...What? Where you goin’? C’mere. I said c’mere. Oh. You’re gonna cry now? Is that it? You gonna cry like a little baby now? Where you goin’? The garage? Go ahead, go sulk in the garage again...ya baby. Like a little girl... I should buy you a dress...

A circuit breaker blows. The lights go out in the garage and There is a pause.

ALICE (O.S.)
Rob!

ROB
Yeah?

ALICE (O.S.)
Circuit breaker!

ROB

Really?
ALICE (O.S.)
WHAT?

ROB
I KNOW!

ALICE (O.S.)
Know what?

ROB
The circuit breaker blew!

ALICE (O.S.)
I just told you that!

He goes to the circuit breaker box and opens it, and starts throwing switches. The lights come back on in the garage, but we hear another loud 'CLICK' to indicate something else has blown.

ALICE (O.S.)
Now the dining room's out.

He closes the circuit breaker box and takes a step towards the house.

ROB
WHAT?

ALICE (O.S.)
Now the dining room's out.

ROB
Does John have his CD player and his computer on?

SFX: Phone Ring. Dog Bark

ROB
If that’s Max, I want to talk to her.
ALICE (O.S.)
I can't hear you, John has his CD player on.

He goes back over to the circuit breaker box.
ROB
We can't have every appliance in the house on at once....

He goes back over to the circuit breaker box, opens it, and now MAXINE is in there.

MAXINE
You’re damn lucky I’m not claustrophobic.

ROB
The contracts come in yet?

MAXINE
I told you. It’s Saturday.

ROB
Well, did you find out if that guy was there last night?

MAXINE
I left him a voicemail. You make it sound like this is the only thing you’re up for! Just last week, I submitted you for that pilot...y’know, the ‘Animal House’ at the Culinary Institute? Even though you an I both know you’re too old to play a college student.

ROB
I guess they never saw 'Grease' the movie. So, if the contracts didn’t come, why did you call back?

MAX
Foxworthy just go another series.

ROB
Oh, yeah. That’s just what I want to hear.

MAXINE
Be happy for the guy willya? He used to open for you.

ROB
And one day, if there’s a God, he will again.

MAX
Well, he had to pull out of a gig I had him booked for. Week of the 25th. Comedy Hole in Pittsburgh. You’d be doing me a big favor.

ROB
The Comedy Hole?

MAX
I'll get them to bump you up a few bucks from last time.

ROB
Yeah. Okay. Fine.

MAXINE
You're such a sweetie. If I had just one other client like you. I’m getting so sick of hearing ‘I want a bigger trailer, I want it closer to the soundstage, I want a masseuse...

ROB
I want to fly first class.

MAX
Exactly.

ROB
No. I meant me. I'll take the gig but I want to fly first class.

MAX
First class to Pittsburgh? Isn't that an oxymoron?

She laughs hysterically

MAXINE
Will you lighten up? Y’know there’s nothing worse that a comedian who doesn’t have a sense of humor.

ROB
Things don’t appear all that rosy at the moment...

MAXINE
Oh ye of little faith. I wanted to tell you about this call I got...

SFX: Phone Rings.

MAX
Oh. That'll be Brussels. Jean Claude Van Damme's people...encore. He wants to do a remake of ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ where the Gregory Peck character is a kickboxer. They’re interested in Brett Butler to play the female lead. Oh, I just realized she used to open for you too, didn’t she?

He closes the door of the circuit breaker box, cutting her off.

ROB (AS SEÑOR WENCES)
Close the box!

MAXINE (MUFFLED)
Thank you very much.

He opens the door of the box again.

ROB
S'aright?

MAXINE
S'aright.

ROB
Is good?

MAXINE
Is good.

ROB
Close the box?

MAXINE
Close the box.

ROB
Thank you very much

MAXINE
You welcome.

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